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Dear Mama,
I think this was the most difficult comic I ever made, and I’m not sure why. If you could see it in it’s pure state it is a piece of paper covered in layers of paper, erasing marks, blue lines over blue lines until they are incomprehensible. It’s really a mess. And it said 5 different things from beginning to end. I decided not to post it, then decided to post it. Whatever. I think the problem is that it’s a lot to say in one comic. I want to get across the point that the mainstream culture is starting to use the “there is no one right way to parent” argument as a way to close down any argument. It immediately makes you look like a jerk if you’re arguing that there IS one right way to parent. And I’m not ever really saying there is ONE right way to parent-the world is made up of different kinds of folks-but, isn’t there really an essential truth to parenting? And so I am kind of saying there is one right way to parent, but trying not to do it in an asshole kind of way.
And as always, remember I’m never talking about you personally. Ever. Each mother is their own person, with their own dreams and goals and struggles. I would never ever want to dump on you. So please, if you think a comic is aimed at you personally, give me the benefit of the doubt, perhaps ask me. Always, I’m talking about a culture that doesn’t support us as mothers. Not in the way we need. And I’m trying to show mothers-to-be that there is an alternative to the mainstream parenting culture.
If you’re like me and you’ve been noticing this phrase popping up a lot, why not add examples to the comments below. I’d love to see that I’m not alone in noticing it!
On another note, super-husband’s birthday is tomorrow. We’ll be celebrating with cake and friends and watching him paddleboard in a race in the morning. Hope you all have a lovely weekend!
Love,
Heather
This is my first comment on your site although I have been a big fan for a while now. I have noticed this phrase popping up a lot and it drives me nuts because there’s no reasonable discussion going on. Oh sure – there are different ways to parent, each child responds to things in their own way and we are all just trying to make it work. However, not having a reasonable, EDUCATED discussion on parenting is so detrimental to every mom and the next generation of moms. We dont need to scream at one another about who is better or right but we do need to be able to talk about the safety, security and the future of our children.
blanket statements like the one in your comic just make it so the discussion doesnt happen and then people never hear that there are better alternatives. I’m so glad you posted this
When you hear that you can always add “and some are better than others” to complete the arguement that’s covertly being made. As a society we currently make these judgements, as individuals we do to. We don’t have to make people feel better about their bad choices.
If there were a parenting continum we’d have a better idea of the choices that people make and how they rationalize them. For example, my daughter was in day care at 3 months. I chose one close to my office that was high quality where I could nurse her at lunch. We then (and still) co-slept in order to keep her nursing. When I get home to my daughter and now stay at home dad/partner THEY are my focus. We are trying to create a family- not people who are related who live together.
I have co-workers who look for nursing support from me because I “had it so easy”. I try to encourage them, but the lack of support from others they recount and their unwillingness to change their ideas about scheduling babies and cribs – well, it’s going to be hard to maintain milk while working full time and getting home late. I don’t know what to do, don’t want people to think that you have to do “all these radical things” to nurse or create meaningful relationships, it CAN be easy, but at the same time, if their ideas are that formula and cribs are just as good (if not better) and that their child can be scheduled from birth to graduation, then how to change that prevailing idea- I’m at a rambling loss.
I *am* noticing this phrase a lot. And it DOES seem to be used to silence those who want to talk about the realities of parenting culture, the kid-hate and mother-hate out there, our birth culture and outcomes in this country, breastfeeding hate, homeschooling/unschooling. “Everyone is different and there’s no one right way to do things.” Yeah, absoultely. Now can we talk about our country’s 33% C-section rate and WTH we think is going on?
This also just resonated with me, so much:
And as always, remember I’m never talking about you personally. Ever. Each mother is their own person, with their own dreams and goals and struggles. I would never ever want to dump on you. So please, if you think a comic is aimed at you personally, give me the benefit of the doubt, perhaps ask me. Always, I’m talking about a culture that doesn’t support us as mothers. Not in the way we need. And I’m trying to show mothers-to-be that there is an alternative to the mainstream parenting culture.
As evidenced by a friend’s comment at my blog, it would seem if I am honest and frank in discussing realities of our cultural institutions (in this case, school, and kid-hate), some people personalize it. At least my friend had the courage to say something about it. And I hope I ameliorated her concerns.
Thanks for this comic.
the thing that bothers me most about the “no one way!” comment is that it reduces all of our available choices– and the family structures and situations that affect them– to a roster of actions that each have equal weight, or equal consequences. we all know that that’s not the case.
of course there’s no one right way to raise your kids, but that doesn’t mean they’re all the same. each way brings with it its own set of benefits and risks, and the intellectually honest parent will take all of that into account, and then own their decision.
I actually agree with the statements that there is “no one way” to birth or parent and that “every kid is different. But to me, this means:
There is no one way to birth. Will you use Bradley or Hypnobabies? Will you be squatting or in a tub?
There is no one way to feed a baby. True. Does your baby nurse every few hours or every few minutes? Does he/she prefer the left boob or the right?
There is no one way to soothe/rock a baby. No, there isn’t. Do you use a sling, an Ergo, or a Moby?
And so on, and so forth.
Listen, I am all about “my choices.” I will get on my soapbox and shout down anyone who dares question my parenting choices. And yes, gentle discipline does *not* always work on my son. Co-sleeping did *not* work for us. My daughter *does* love her binky, and it does not interfere with nursing in the least, never has.
I think the problem is when people use this “there is no one right way, everyone is different” adage to make excuses for their mistakes and shortcomings as parents.
there may not be one right way to parent, but there most certainly are many WRONG ways to parent
Oh, and happy birthday to your husband!!
This is right up there with “agree to disagree” and “don’t judge me”–Annie at PhDinParenting has a great post about that.
The problem is that they take a phrase that is in essence, true, “There is NO ONE right way”, and turn it into, “Therefore EVERY way is the right way and it is all just a matter of opinion and preference.”
Not every mother can give birth to every child naturally. Thank God we have modern medicine for those in real distress. And every person has to find the place along the continuum of options that best fits her and her family’s needs.
BUT that doesn’t mean there isn’t real evidence that the over-medicalization of birth is causing damage. This isn’t about opinion, it is about fact.
They want to seem like the open-minded ones, like they are concerned about choice, like 84% of moms sticking a bottle of formula in their kids’ mouths is all about a woman’s right to choose.
In reality, the pervasive hospital-and-formula-and-cry-it-out top-down culture is removing choice from our lives.
The natural birthing, breastfeeding, attachment parenting grassroots culture is the one that is really about choice–informed choice.
My feeling is that yes, there are many ways to raise a child, but what way do you think your child would like to be raised? If we as parents take ourselves out of our own heads and think “gosh if I were a baby…” I mean I know a lot of us have forgotten the details of our childhoods but loving arms vs. crying? Being sung to by your mothers voice vs. a stuffed bear with an mp3 player in it? Being rocked to sleep by daddy vs. being closed off in a room on your own? I mean I know we all want our children to be strong independent people at some point in their lives but heck why don’t we let them be babies and children first.
I understand what you’re trying to say & I want to acknowledge the courage it took to put this up. As uppity & loud-mouthed as you are, I have come to know you as a very caring, conscientious woman who is truly not out to harm or insult those who are really giving it their best effort when it comes to their children.
Abigail made a good point in saying “there may not be one right way to parent, but there most certainly are many wrong ways to parent.” I agree with that, right there. It comes down to doing more research than hammering out a misspelled question in grammatically poor texting slang on Yahoo Answers.
There might not be one right way to parent, but there are certainly wrong ways to do it.
Of course there is no one right way to parent. And people who say this usually automatically discount all the other ways there are except the one they are promoting!If attachment parenting and breastfeeding are not real options, parents can’t choose them anyway, anymore than many parents can really choose to have a humane birth. So for many parents, the right way morphs into the available way, and/or the way that won’t draw criticism, especially from the very people who are desperately needed by parents to support them in raising their kids.
The kind of logic that the “detachment” industry uses is the same as the logic companies use when they say “Well, your scientist says one thing about the long-term effects on children of this chemical, but our scientist says something else. There is more than one scientific opinion about this.”(My scientist can beat your scientist.) Yes, and the company scientific opinion is the one that supports profit-making, rather than healthy outcomes.
I teach at a college and I see this same attitude in my students toward their interpretation of historical events, literature, art, etc. I have been taken to task for criticizing a student’s writing because “every opinion is equally valid” and “no one interpretation is correct.” They don’t get that while no one interpretation is correct, some are manifestly wrong, and the less likely an interpretation, the *greater* the burden of proof on the person making the claim. I think what began as respect for diversity has twisted into a hollow kind of relativism.
To paraphrase the villain from The Incredibles, “if everyone’s valid, then no one is.”
Heather,
I made a comic of my own recently, specifically to share with YOU. I opted not to, because like your hesitation, my thought process was similar. Should I? Shouldn’t I? What would it prove?
Mine, however, was about a comment on your FB- where several women were adamant about how “evil” bottles were, how they threw baby doll bottles away, and how they wouldn’t teach their children about them.
My comic went something like this: A mother, hooked up to a breastpump, hands free- holding a baby in one hand and reading a book to an older child with the other. A clock on the wall- with (x8)- for 8x a day… and then the mother going out in public, feeding her baby with a bottle, and two women walking by with babies in slings saying “look at that! Some people can’t bother to breastfeed” and the other Mom saying “I know. It’s so sad that people are so ignorant”. And the little girl of the pumping Mom looking up with big, innocent eyes and saying “Mommy, why are bottles bad?”.
Look, I understand what you are saying. But I read the comments with a fury I didn’t know I had inside of my body. What elitism! What a wretched way to treat other women!
YES, there is a REASON to have all of that “PC” talk- that neutral, there is more than one way to parent, more than one way to feed a baby- talk. If breastfeeding and natural parenting and attachment parenting really and truly matter to you- and to your readers- than it absolutely matters to be open and accepting of those who aren’t like you. It matters deeply. Because when you draw the line- and say “good Mom’s on this side” and “bad mom’s on that side” you are leaving out a HUGE portion of the population who fall- for whatever reasons- right in the middle. The one’s on any side aren’t any better than those Mom’s opposite of them.
I used to be like the majority of your respondents and fans. I used to think that bottles were “bad” and felt, somehow, that I was “superior” to those who couldn’t “bother” to practice attachment parenting, babywearing, co-sleeping, cloth diapering… the list goes on and on.
And then, everything changed. I hope, truly and with all of my heart- that you never have to experience the total and complete shock of having a baby who can not nurse- who was born without the mouth or the palate or physical ability to do what your baby does and you take for granted. I hope to the universe that you never know what it means to live life by breastpump- out of necessity, not out of choice. I hope that you never know the wretched, harsh judgment of women you thought were your peers when you bring out a special needs feeder to feed your baby your carefully pumped breastmilk. I hope you can sit with a straight face through meeting after meeting bashing ‘bottle feeding’ (not formula, but bottles) and try to remain tear free as they talk about how great they are because THEIR babies get better immunities from direct skin to skin.
There is a grey area because there HAS TO BE.
“People will not remember you for what you did or what you said – but for how they felt when they were around you.” Mary Angelou.
Think about how people feel when they are around someone who constantly has to talk about how their way of parenting- their way of providing breastmilk, their way of doing- well, anything- and they insisted- that THEY were right.
There are a LOT of ways to feed a baby. There are a LOT of ways to feed a baby with love. Direct from the breast is most convenient. Yes, it has lots of benefits. But it isn’t the only way. Far from it. I just hope you never have to experience that. Because I was you, once. I viewed things from the same place. But I can never go back. Instead, I must find forgiveness. Love, my friend, is the answer. Not validation.
Ha so I’m not the only one noticing that the ‘there is no one way’ argument is always used to defend detached parenting.
Maybe there is only one way but that ‘way’ is very broad
Great comic! Even if there is not just one way to do things, there ARE ‘best’ ways to do things. It is hard for people to realize that even if you choose to feed your kid formula, or put them in daycare, those choices may work for you but they are not the best choices. Breastfeeding IS BEST. There are no opinions about facts.
oooh….no. There is certainly a right and wrong way to raise each child. The right way fits the child and parent mutually, and requires some learning and trying to get it “right”. I don’t parent my 9 yr old the same way I parent my 5 yr old-and it’s not just the age difference. I don’t have the same approach with my 5 yr old, that I did when my oldest was five, because their DIFFERENT PEOPLE. When you add to this emormous point the fact that I am still evolving as a person/humyn/mother, there are bound to be things I do or don’t do with each consecutive child.
For so many of us parenting “on the fringe”, it becomes a battle not just to do for our children what we know in the core of our souls is right, but to lead other women back to hearing their intuition. I believe much of this expansive chasm between mainstream parenting and attachment parenting is caused by women not knowing themselves. From very small, society teaches young girls all the wrong things about who they are-what they should strive to be-how they should look or act-and what defines “good girls”. It starts there. In the place where girls are ashamed of their monthly moons, humiliated by the wrong attention given to their blossoming breasts…
Teaching our girls from young to honor themselves, to require others to do the same, and to find the power in the center of themselves will give them a solid connection with their intuition. Childbearing qomen who come from this place would never allow one of theirs to cry themselves to sleep, drink chemical substitutes for the perfect food they create naturally-or focus on increasing the distance between them and their child so they can get their “real life back”.
These women-these self nurtured powerful women are my sisters, and we know that there IS right and wrong in parenting choices.
PS: Sorry for all the misspells and etc…delightful chaos ensues!
It is really quite weird sometimes. There is something about birth, and parenting that sometimes brings out a very combative reaction in the West. This is noticeably absent in some other cultures that have either rejected Western type influences or do not have the resources that will attract big business.
I go a lot to Bali. Where I go into the villages to stay, the women breastfeed quite as a matter of course. If a women for some reason was unable to breastfeed, other lactating women would fill the gap. Apart from the absence of electricity, and therefore fridges, formula is not used. Some villages do have means of creating electricity but because breastfeeding is what they have done since earlier times, it would not occur to them to use formula.
The women in Bali started to cover their breasts when the Dutch, and the Japanese came to Bali. Before that they dressed like the men. In some of the villages where tourists rarely go, they still are topless. No one is concerned or would even think of raising an objection.
When I talk or write about this way of life, the reaction in the West is startling. Many people assume I am attacking their choices. Even when I trot out the standard responses, the attacks are quite vituperative. I am very puzzled by it. Love your comics by the way. Humor is one of the best ways of defusing tension.
So many great comments on another great comic! Penny, I particularly like the take on the Incredibles (hint, Heather: I can see Super Hubby saying this).
My snappy comeback to “There’s more than one way to feed a baby” would be “But all babies have the same nutritional needs; just exactly what does your way leave out?” because I wouldn’t expect anyone ignorant enough to believe fake milk is as good as mommy milk to even realize that infants and children have emotional needs as well.
As someone raised by parents who adhered to the “make them strong by pushing them out of the nest right after they’ve hatched” philosophy, I can tell you that we’re only going to have more and more emotional cripples. My son is now saying he wants to be a psychologist instead of a chemist…and I’m thinking he won’t lack for customers.
i am reading “The Continuum Concept” by Jean Liedloff right now and she is making a pretty good argument that there is only one right way to parent from the infant’s point of view. there are different ways to raise children just as there are different cultures and religions but from what i understand, until several hundred years ago the care given to infants was pretty universal. infants rely on instincts (or reflexes if you prefer) and those don’t change so quickly.
Thank you Heather. This really needed to be said.
oh, I just remember an example… it happened just a few days ago when someone brought up on Facebook the fact that babies don’t self wean before a year. There was no judgment, there was no talking again those that decided to wean etc… it was just a simple statement. But, it brought a lot of defensive comments including that very comment. Luckily one of those that used that comment also added a judgement against nursing past a certain age so I was able to call the person out on it.
I love this line: “And so I am kind of saying there is one right way to parent, but trying not to do it in an asshole kind of way.” I’ve used the “No one right way” line to soften my own strong opinions. So this is making me reflect.
One of my favorite books in the world is “Our Babies, Ourselves” by Meredeth Small. A couple things she does when looking at different ways of parenting is show how a parenting style fits within the context of the culture, and gets you looking at parenting styles from outside the culture.. even outside your own culture. So you see some choices make sense in certain situations and not others.. but it also makes the reader start second guessing things within their own culture that they may have taken for granted their whole life.
It isn’t, usually, the individual parent to blame for the mediocre care for our next generation. There are serious flaws in our culture (and probably every culture). I WANT my daughter to be able to get an advanced degree and have a rewarding career. Maybe be the first female president or something. But I don’t want her to have to marry a rich man in order to be able to stay at home with her children if that’s what she wants to do. There’s all kinds of human made crap in this world and a high unemployment rate and still we have a society and standard of living that requires two incomes. Why? There’s not that much work outside the homes to be done and there’s enough stuff for everyone. I see in my friend’s home: kids in daycare, a cleaning service, lawn care service and meals at restaurants. They officially call their style “attachment parenting.” They breastfeed, co-sleep, etc. We do too, but don’t call what we do “attachment parenting.” My husband grows our food, earns an income, and fixes things. I cook, clean, mow the lawn, change the majority of the diapers, do most of the teaching, ect. The other family contributes to the economy (a messed up one if you ask me), we reduce reuse recycle. Both families are tired at the end of the day, both have kids who need to wait for mom’s attention at times, and both probably have the same amount put away for retirement.
I want to be able to get a good job when my kids don’t need me with them all day long. I hate that I’ve severely damaged my career path and that my husband can’t do or have the things he wants all because we’ve decided that a mother and baby should stay together. I know he wants to be with the baby as much as I do. I wish the whole family could be together for most of our waking hours. And I wish this for those who come from poor families that couldn’t afford college and have to choose between welfare or separation. I wish I didn’t feel guilty for not bringing in more money. I hate that!! Parenting wise, I feel great about my choices. I rarely miss my children because I’m with them so much. I don’t worry about them or regret not giving more of myself to them. I love who my daughter is growing up to be.. boy am I proud of her! I’ve had awesome births, successful breastfeeding experiences, etc. I don’t think a woman should be expected to stay home, barefoot, pregnant and all that. But as it turns out, that’s what I grew up to do. And somewhere in my childhood – whether it was Summer Science for Girls, the high school councilor, or some other person or program that wanted the best for me – there has been planted a very tiny voice in my head that calls me a loser for having fallen into a traditional role. I am pretty sure that many who are not in traditional roles sometimes feel like a little like losers because they don’t have children, or aren’t with their children enough. I see that they are a tiny bit embarrassed that we did this or that ourselves when they had to hire it out. So many don’t even change their own motor oil.
It’s not just parenting- it’s a whole lifestyle paradigm paradox thingy. Putting your child into the center of your universe doesn’t do you or the child any favors, but putting a career, oneself, or any other worldly thing there doesn’t work well either. (center-centered!!)
Wow, look at all my baggage!! Eh, I’ll hit submit anyway. Felt good to get it out.
I guess a better phrase for softening my motherly arrogance would be: There IS a perfect way to parent, but no one can do it. Anyway, perfect parents do not make perfect kids since perfect parents are imaginary.
But it sure is easier to be a kick-ass mama when you have a super hero daddy partner, isn’t it? Happy Birthday Mr. Heather’s guy!!
I too have heard this phrase many times, and I love your comics by the way. Obviously most people who read this blog are on the same or very similar wavelengths regarding parenting. Of all the things I consistently see on a daily basis the one that really irks me is the baby having the bottle in the stroller facing away from the parent, that to me is an utter disconnect and complete lack of involvement which will carry over to uninvolved parenting later in life. If you are bottle feeding at least hold and feed the baby yourself!
With that being said, since I cannot handle the way I feel about bad parenting when I see it, I have resorted to taking the attitude that I should be glad my kid will have a huge advantage over these poorly parented kids. That seems like such a harsh stance to take but this is a hard world and its a way for me to put a positive spin on it I guess. Its very sad that I have had to take that road in order to live with what I see on a daily basis.
On the other side of the coin I have felt someone intimidated by the “natural” parenting community for some of the decisions I have made, namely vaccinations. I feel like its my dirty little secret that I vaccinate my kid so I appreciate your disclaimer as I feel like the harder all of us “good” parents push the more resistance we get because some of us really can come off as very superior and overbearing in our ideas simply because we are so passionate about them.
I believe there is one way to parent, but I don’t say it out loud, because I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. You don’t get anywhere by telling people what to do anyway. Maybe we can live as an example?
Julie: We were a two income family when Rachel was born. We are down to “zero” incomes now. We want to create our own path of work and lifestyle. We are working hard to create a life’s work that allows us to be a family first. It’s taken us 10 years and lots of money, but I can see it coming to fruition.
I have heard this one too. Of course there are lots of ways to parent … but for the emotional/physical/psychological health of children, the science is pretty clear (in Attachnent Theory) that an attached method of parenting *is* the best …
Sadly, the kind of thing you talked about in your disclaimer affected me and my blog. A person who had become an online friend and had made many different parenting choices than myself (some of which I respected more than others, but whatever) said quite blatantly on her blog that she was unsubscribing from my blog because she felt inferior and judged whenever she read it. I had never written anything directed at her … and one of her major problems was when I linked to a very emotionally charged CIO article.
I was saddened that she could feel so insecure in her parenting that my being passionate about something could cause her that much anguish. (And I was shocked and appalled that she would say so PUBLICLY on her blog when she knew that I read it regularly!)
Ah, well.
Not all ways are equal. I really like the way Christina expressed it – a roster of choices with different consequences – or one could say outcomes.
“Just because there is more than one truth doesn’t mean there’s no such thing as bullshit.” – Sandra Dodd.
I realize that sometimes I get wrapped up in what I have discovered that I pass judgements on other mothers. General blanket judgements that don’t take into consideration the possibility that they are using these detachment tools, not to excess, but for survival in our mainstream culture that does not support attachment parenting in the least. I usually end up humbled by having to reassess what I am doing with my own children. (ie…judging pacifier use but then having a baby that needed so much extra sucking that I just couldn’t seem to spread myself out in order to meet her needs. I got her a pacifier, which we used rarely and only when absolutely necessary for the whole family’s needs to be met, and I was humbled. I am so passionate about sharing information and experiences with other people to save them from making some of the decisions I have made ignorantly in the past regarding birth, breastfeeding, natural health, parenting and the like. What I don’t take into consideration is that they might not be in a place of acceptance yet. It takes time to unplug from the matrix. Sometimes it’s not a matter of my judgement or haughtiness but my dumping of too much on a mind that is not prepared or thirsting for it. In that case, just like with shoving education down a child’s throat and having them react badly, it could be the same way for parents. I didn’t listen with my heart when I heard certain peices of information that could have saved me from making bad decisions with my firstborn. Once a lie was revealed to me, I found another one and another one all on my own because I was paying attention and open to what I might receive. I am trying to be compassionate and understanding of my friends while also holding to truths that I can’t back down from. It’s so hard!
Recently, my friend asked her friends (including me) about circumcision, and after listening to all of the answers on the thread from women who said ‘to look like daddy’, ‘hygeine reasons’ or ‘it’s biblical’, I was so sick to my stomach on how to respond. I wrote, read, reread, edited, and finally hit send. I shared as much as I could, and I tried to personalize it by just sharing my story of how I circumcised one boy only to find a different conclusion when I really researched those main points. The two other women who had replied saying their boys were intact kind of downplayed their decision. They sugarcoated it basically implying that ‘there’s no one way’. No, there is one way. Keep your knives away from babies unless absolutely necessary! But, not everyone is ready to hear it, believe it, or stand up for it. It’s ok, but it leaves me in this weird place of wanting to be hospitable to people, especially friends, and respect their decisions for what part of the journey they are in, but also being compelled to share what I have found out about the subject which is contrary to what we have been led to believe. grrr!
I love your comics Heather. You are awesome
Happy Birthday super-husband!!
Julie–loved what you wrote!! Have many of those same feelings myself. Thank you for sharing it.
BTW–have I mentioned how much I love this blog?
I say there is one right way to parent. That right way is to always do as much as you can to make sure your childrens’ needs are met to the best of your ability. How exactly that happens from one family to the next can vary greatly. But as long as you are doing the best you can for your kids, you are parenting the right way. And yes, there are many wrong ways, and I have seen people following them too much. For example, if you have a 3 year old who screams, hits, throws things, and flings himself on the floor at least 6 times a day until you give him yet another store-bought, super-processed, sugar-laden pudding cup, you have done something wrong. Or if you have a 14 year old daughter who is more of a mother figure to your toddler than you are, because you choose to pawn the toddler off on her 4 or more nights a week so you can go to the bar, you have done something wrong.
@ Marcie – I have to agree that not enough women are taught to listen to that voice inside of themselves and let their intuition lead the way. I was very fortunate to have a mother who encouraged this my whole life and when I had my first daughter I was very unprepared and young. However, I listened to my body and did what I felt was right. Without doing any research I ended up breastfeeding and carrying my daughter almost non-stop. I never let her CIO and we ended up a cosleeping family who never touched the crib. All of the baby gadgets from my showers went by the wayside.
The downside to all of this was that I was just following my instincts but I felt like I was questioned constantly for my decisions. I was put down and told I was doing things wrong and spoiling my child. Luckily I didn’t listen and now I am having daughter #3 in just a few days and I am more confident than ever. I have friends who parent in a similar way and there is this wonderful online community of women who are spreading information. I try not to push my views on parenting and I have been the one in the closet who hides the fact that I cosleep or don’t let my kids CIO but ultimately I have come to realize that if I simply talk or share my experience without judging that other moms do listen. But they only listen if they wanted to talk about it in the first place.
I am so very grateful that you had the courage to post this comic! This needs to be said.
i find this whole discussion very interesting. i do feel that some parenting methods are better then others, BUT (something i got off oprah years ago)when you know better you do better. if everything you have ever been told, all the magazines you read, all what your family and doctors say is one way, then that is what you know. and then some families some things work for them that wouldn’t for my family. so i guess that statement is sort of true… BUT i feel very strongly about the way i do things.
also i have yet to find (except within the alternative community) people being rude to people who follow what would be the “mainstream” path. YET i have on many occations had to defend my parenting choices to family, friends, medical people, strangers. i have never walked by a person bottle feeding and passed any sort of judgement. what do i know about what their story is. infact i don’t know anyone IRL who has said anything to any bottlefeeder, i have a hard time seeing that happen, only because it is the norm. what isn’t is nursing a 3 year old. and i have had someone recently make a comment to me because i was nursing my 3 year old.
i began parenting the way i did because it felt right. i had read all the mainsteam parenting books, i had this idea of what i was going to do. i had never heard of “attachment parenting”. but when my dd was born i just didn’t want to put her down. i loved sleeping with her, i love nursing her. i had no support at all for this style of parenting i got flack from all angles. no one supported anything i did. but it felt good to be with her.
anyway, i have no idea what this has to do with the comic or the discussion. lol
heather in tempe
I’m like you heather. I’d never heard of attachment parenting.. I just fell in love and followed my heart.
I believe there are lots of ways to be a good parent and that we do the best we can with what we know and the situation we are in. To me, the most important thing is to be thoughtful about it, not just parent a certain way because your parents did or your friends do or “expert X” says to. And it’s important to continue to be thoughtful and to try to be a better parent.
I love this discussion! There isn’t much left to add, these are all valid points.
I do think that there are many ways to parent, but it is up to us to find the best. Sure, you can choose between breast and bottle, schedule and demand, strict and lenient. The question isn’t “are there other ways?” the question is “what is the best way?” You can eat (and survive on) a diet of Cheerios, Twinkies and soda pop, or you can eat (and thrive on) a diet of raw veggies, fresh milk and grass fed meat. But, obviously, the fact that we have a choice doesn’t detract from the fact that one choice is better than another.
I found your blog through a link on Ravelry (the homebirthing moms group). Love your blog. I will be back.
I’ve been seeing this same type of logic used when talking about circumcision, too! Often the similar phrase used is, “It’s a parent’s decision.” But I believe this is in the same spirit as “There’s no one right way to parent,” which is another way of shutting down the conversation where a parent might become better informed. I’ve watched as many parents blindly shut down learning any information of the benefits of leaving baby boys intact by using such phrases. And doctors are guilty of it, too! With breastfeeding, circ and other decisions that should be viewed as a health decision, not just a “parenting” decision. They are misusing the concept of informed consent out of fear of offending or indirectly calling someone a “bad parent.”
Great post!
I find so many of these discussions right up my street. In many ways I suffer from the grave disadvantage of being male. I made a discovery about a simple method for reducing pain and distress during labour. It came about by accident, and I have had absolutely no success in getting it across to the orthodox main stream, or even the so called alternative movement. When I try to discuss it on parenting groups such as MUMSNET I get shouted down. The most common comment is “How would you know anything about the pain and distress of birth, you don’t have a uterus!”
While I understand that women have suffered for centuries under male patriarchal domination, I support equality and all the other concerns that women have. I share most women’s concerns as far as possible. But I don’t get listened too at all. Even when I make the point that if I were a female surgeon who had discovered a very simple and inexpensive manner in which to relieve the male’s prostate problems. Would it be fair that I would be shouted down because I don’t posses a prostate!
The orthodox world is just as hostile to new discoveries, (although mine is 28 years old!) particularly those discoveries which might interfere with the vested interests that specialise in relieving the pain and distress of labour in most hospital settings. Only one publication Midwifery Today has published articles by me, and of course that wonderful midwife Ronnie Falco whose blog has had my article up for ever. In Bali too, the Bali Times has published accounts of my discovery as has the Honolulu Advertiser. But that is because my discoveries are so obvious to the indigenous population who do not need (although that is changing as Western style methods of birthing are beginning to have an effect, and more and more have hospital births with all their negative side effects are appearing.) do not threaten the powers that be.
As far as circumcision is concerned I usually write, would you have your daughter circumsized as well? The same conditions will apply. An occasional case of phimosis, and hygiene concerns but most mothers soon instruct their daughters on how to wash by pulling the hood of the clitoris back when they are old enough. And in Britain circumcision is only carried out in extreme cases of phimosis, or other pathology. Because circumcision is not regarded as medically necessary, it is treated as a private concern and insurance will not cover the costs of the operation. In any case I don’t think that you will find a surgeon that will carry out this unnecessary operation under the health service.
There was a big ho ha some years ago when a teacher noticed a Islamic pupil bleeding heavily from her vagina. She was rushed to hospital where she nearly died from blood loss. We then discovered female pupils were ostensibly going on holiday to Pakistan, and other cultures where female mutilation was practiced. There they were subjected to this hideous practice and then returned to Britain thoroughly traumatized. The teachers had noticed that such pupils were noticeably changed when they returned from heir holiday. They put it down to missing their newly discovered homeland. They didn’t even conceive that this barbaric practice was being carried out.
A law was quickly passed, and it is now illegal to carry out this practice in this manner. There have been a few prosecutions since as some Islamic doctors are currently working in Britain. And of course many mothers and grandmothers will mutilate their own daughters so it is difficult to adequately protect these young girls. They will protest if discovered, that it is the custom! It is similar to that other custom still practiced on young boys in the Arab world and some other Asian cultures such as Thailand. Which in my view is mainly responsible for male violence towards women and children. But I am an eccentric old Brit who has these weird ideas so we don’t have to take any notice. Love the comics and the many ideas displayed here. They have given me so many useful hints on how to frame my pronouncements!
After I posted my last long winded epistle on female mutilation, there was an article published in my Sunday paper the Observer. If you would like to read the whole article on line go to the Sunday Observer UK on Google.UK
20,000 girls in the UK at risk from genital mutilation is the headline. Just appalling that this barbaric practice is still going on in Britain. The aricle goes on, some 500 to 2,000 girls will be genitally mutilated over the summer holidays.
Others will be taken abroad, others will be cut, or circumcised and sewn closed here in the UK by women living here, or are flown in and bought to “cutting parties” for a few girls at a time in a cost cutting exercise.
Rayner, why do your replies always go so hugely off-topic?!
Back to the original post, I completely agree Heather and I am glad you said it.
I was thinking this just recently. It’s as though we should be deaf and silenced; if we hear or read or see a “parenting choice” we do not ‘agree’ with, we must turn the other cheek, look the other way, and bite our tongue. We are not allowed to even suggest an alternative for fear of ‘offending’ or judging. And yes, we are silenced by that hypocritical phrase “there is no one way…” or “Every baby is different”… etc etc.
Yet we have to take criticism and questioning every day, on a very regular basis either directly or indirectly.
I completely agree with this too “And as always, remember I’m never talking about you personally. Ever”
I got this a lot too with a blog of mine. And just yesterday with a comment about society’s view of school (of all things…) and it was taken as a personal attack at people who send their children to school. Which it was not.
It doesn’t matter what your opinion is, if it differs from the mainstream it is ‘critisism’, ‘judging’ ‘evangelical’, ‘offensive’ ,’forcing it down peoples throats’….
It IS a way to silence, and it drives me crazy.
Oh, and yes, I am fairly critical of other parents (sure, the mother bottlefeeding may have pain stakingly expressed that milk, but 9 times out of 10 she has never even tried, or tried to breastfeed directly. More often than not that is obvious, like when you see her whip out the formula powder for her newborn….) BUT, I know better than to say anything. And I have more tact too. But I can’t help feeling sad or wishing it was different when I see that. Or witness a baby crying in a pram and being ignored (or plugged with a paci when it obviously wants to be held or fed).
But what I hate most is the hypocracy. People feel free to negatively judge mamas for breastfeeding [too long], using a sling, co sleeping, not vaxxing… and then they also negatively judge you for supposedly negatively judging *them* by not feeding your infant fruit shoots or sweets or junk food or not using a buggy or disposable diapers etc etc (like your decision to avoid these things is somehow a direct criticism of them. Ugh).
Just because there is no ONE right way to parent does not mean that there are not MANY bad ways to parent. Sorry about the double negatives, but it’s true.