As you all know I’ve been a fan of Tom Hodgkinson for a while. I loved his Freedom Manifesto and told everyone that I knew that ‘you HAVE to read this BOOK’! I especially appreciated that when he briefly spoke about parenting and family life, he didn’t upset my sensibilities, and those of you that know me will understand that I have some very entrenched sensibilities about mothering (heck, I’ve been pretending to be a goddess of motherhood for almost 6 years!) Sure, some of my ideas about the way the world works were challenged by The Freedom Manifesto, but not my ideas about parenting. I was grateful that I could recommend his book without caveats.
In 2008 I read with trepidation Tom Hodgkinson’s articles on parenting in the Telegraph ( I’m not rich, but I know how to find true wealth and The Idle Parent’s art of doing nothing (a friend, apparently forgetting that I had been begging her to read Tom Hodgkinson’s books, sent me a link to these with the subject-line ‘check this guy out’. For which she was roundly chastised with, “That’s the guy I’ve been telling you about, read his books!”) they seemed to be ideas that I could appreciate and even embrace, and lo and behold I found myself nodding vigorously. There was nothing in them that would upset the sensibilities of an attachment parent (unless you are committed to really hovering) and there was lots within that seemed vaguely Continuum Concept-y (the only book on parenting that I have ever really recommended).
And so when his book was released in the UK I ordered it right away (signed!) and waited breathlessly and all that. I worried though a bit, that he would fall in with the mainstream ‘detachment parenting’ or say something disparaging breastfeeding (actually breastfeeding is absent from his book, which I take to mean, “Of course, it goes without saying and all that.”) or talk about mothers as offal. You know, piss me off. So, now I’ve read the book and I can say that he only pissed me off on 3 pages, all in the Seek not perfection, or Why bad parents are good parents chapter, and because out of nowhere he DOES disparage mothers, first by quoting DH Lawrence saying “babies should invariably be taken away from their modern mothers and given, not to yearning and maternal old maids, but rather to stupid fat women who cant be bothered with them. There should be a league for the prevention of maternal love…” to which I say, ouch. That’s just rude. My friend Kathleen said, “what do you expect from the guy who wrote Lady Chatterley’s Lover?” Well, I expected more than repeating that crap from Mr. Hodgkinson. Then a couple of pages later he relates how his wife and a friend left their one year olds with the dads so that they could go on a 10 day vacation. And okay, to each their own, but he holds this up as a grand idea and then even goes so far to say “both children were less whiny than usual…so if you have problems, mothers, with your child’s sleeping, then fight against our sentimental conditioning and take a break. Go away for a week. Drink. Get some sleep. The babies will be fine. In fact, they will benefit from the break.” This is where I threw the book against the wall. And generally swore I wouldn’t read another stupid word. It’s not just that I was offended, but that this clap-trap runs counter to the rest of his book. Which has pearls of wisdom like this:
You are in charge, but you need to create a hierarchy without recourse to authority. As in the old medieval city, the ‘common good’ of the family is paramount. Much of the strife of the motdern household comes because we have a selfish enlightenment view of individuality and freedom in our heads. We see freedom as a matter of asserting our own selfish desire in competition with the selfish desires of others. Enlightenment philosophy has created a nation of self-indulgent egotists, intent on recklessly pursuing every whim…but we are living together and pleasures should be shared and bread broken together.
sort of runs counter to the page that says moms should go on holiday alone, huh?
“Better to be penniless and at home, than rich and absent, certainly during the first three or four years of each child’s life.”
“(mother) needs to combine motherhood with other creative activities and sociability…so (she) does not actually avoid work. On the contrary, like the idle father, she embraces it. Work of her own choosing, that is, independent work, autonomous work, creative work. What she avoids is that terrible, fearful, spirit-sapping invention of the industrial age: the full time job.”
And he says of the Continuum Concept
“The only book on children and babies worth reading; burn the rest because they simply serve the status quo”
So that’s what this book is in my opinion, a practical guide to bringing The Continuum Concept to life (after the in-arms phase, because we all GET the in-arms phase, that part is easy. It’s the later part that is so darn hard to figure out) in this modern world. It will save you from wandering aimlessly crying in the world of child-centeredness, a problem that Jean Liedloff addresses a bit in her essay Who’s in Control, but in practice it’s very hard to be un-child-centered. This book should help.
So, I almost didn’t read another word, but, later I did, and I’m glad I did, because the book had much wisdom and never crosses my line again. I thought he was going to, in the chapter let us sleep when he said “lack of sleep is a terrible thing. I remember when our eldest child was small waking in the night to find him kicking my back. We’d attempted to ‘get him into a routine’ as current childcare orthodoxy suggests, and failed. He was in bed with us again.” uh oh! but then “I wish instead we’d embraced co-sleeping right from the start.” Thank you Tom Hodgkinson! So, I can recommend it mostly, except for pages 28, and 35-36, those kind of suck.
I look forward to hearing from some of you on your impressions of the book.
xox,
Heather
ps. another review:How to bring up children without lifting a finger and Tom Hodgkinson answering some reviews… The Idle Parent
pss. Wanted to mention that I took a break from writing this review to go to the local marina to see a grey whale that is feeding just within the break-wall. We stood on the rocks for an hour or so, just watching him come up for air. So cool.
What a well worded review (not that I would expect anything less from my Cow Goddess!). I think I will pick up The Idle Parent at my local library and maybe give it a thumb through. I generally try really hard to NOT read parenting books…. that is after my oldest was born I stopped. While pregnant with her I read everything on parenting I could…. it was at that point I learned that some people writing these books had no idea what they were doing…..
Thank you for the review.
I have one comment about taking the occasional vacation away from your kids. My hubby and I had never had more than an overnighter since our oldest was born 9 years ago when we got the chance to go to the Philipeans for his brothers wedding. we were gone for about 9 days and had a 9 year old a 6 year old and a 2 3/4 year old. I would have ratherd waited intil the 2 year old was older but my husbands dad had just died a year ago and he was the closest thing to a father figure for the wedding. It was a wonderful trip to reconnect with each other we came home so refreshed with our relationship that is was so great. I was not one who felt you needed to take vacation without the kids they always go with us. But now I do recomend the occasional trip by yourself when the kids are old enough (my 2 year old was fine and had a great time with grandma and grandpa but I think 4 would have been a better age). SO, I do think the occasional trip away maybe 5 days or so when the kids are older and with someone they and you trust and love can realy help stregthen your marriage.
ok I just realized he was talking about a mom break for ten days when they babies were 1 year old for ten days yea that is a bit harsh. I did not read the age of the kids;0 so I thought mama was taling about never leaving your kids. My SIL refuses to even entertain the idea of ever going on vacation without her kids even when they are much older which is sad to me because they need the time together:/
I haven’t found too many parenting books that I have liked either. I did recently read Alfie Kohn’s Unconditional Parenting, though, and LOVED it! It echoed so much of what I inherently believed about parenting as a kid. Ever remember telling your parents “When *I* have kids, I’ll NEVER do X!” and they roll their eyes and figure you’ll become disillusioned when you have kids of your own? He really justifies things from the child’s point of view,a point of view most parenting books fail to take. Certainly worth reading!
>>“(mother) needs to combine motherhood with other creative activities and sociability…so (she) does not actually avoid work. On the contrary, like the idle father, she embraces it. Work of her own choosing, that is, independent work, autonomous work, creative work. What she avoids is that terrible, fearful, spirit-sapping invention of the industrial age: the full time job.”<<
this is so me right now! i’ve been successfully operating 2 small businesses from home for over 2 years now, avoiding the 9-5 like the plague. i have recently fallen into the role of “single mother”, so i’m thinking my wistful days at home might be numbered now. but i’m still scheming for ways to avoid clocking in for another few months.
phew mama, i was relieved to see that you found a couple of glitches in tom hodgkinson! he is great and i agree with alot of what he says. but i did start to wonder when he mentioned his au pair. i can’t remember in which book he mentions it… either how to be idle or how to be free (the freedom manifesto for you guys across the atlantic). anyway, we can’t all be perfect, eh?!
I did not realize that you were polydactyl. Are your girls also? It is supposed to be a dominant trait, but I have always wondered how it really works in humans.
Hi Rosalinde,
I’m not actually polydactyl, I just accidentally drew too many toes ;o) My middle daughter noticed it, when I was more than half way done coloring, she laughed and laughed. I figured oh well, no one will notice ;o)
xox,
Heather
Hey Mum-raa, Well, i am a HUGE fan. But in all seriousness, my take on him is there has been a real change in his household, an enlightenment if you will. He says he wishes he had embraced cosleeping right from the beginning, that they let go of their nanny when they realized that the kids were better behaved around the nanny and not around them, and that their eldest doesn’t play well because he’s spent so much time plugged in. I read that as a family that came to these ideas late in the game. Plus, I think it goes without saying that I take what I want leave the rest, but perhaps it does need saying. People are generally surprised at how forgiving I am ;o)
hi Rosalinde, Mama,
I am a polydactyl human & I am not entirely sure how it works as I inherited it from my father, in whose family, most, if not all, of his siblings (including him) were born with at least one extra digit somewhere. I was born with a more extreme version, having one extra on each hand & foot, the first complete polydactyl in a couple generations, as far as they know. My son was born perfect, 5 on each, but I know he carries the gene. I’m prepared for any future children to be born the way I was, but I still can’t figure out why it wasn’t passed onto my first child! Sorry, off-topic, but it certainly caught my eye! Carry on… lol
hi again mama,
i think you’re right about them reaching these conclusions late in the game. and i do understand that you are forgiving – i’ve noticed that about you before – and in any case anyone is more forgiving than me, i’m descended from the most harsh, cynical, unforgiving, scottish stock there is! i also have a bit of an insight into some of tom hodgkinson’s friends…. you know what they say, judge a man by the company he keeps….but i’m trying to shake that cynical uber-critical side of myself, so i’m keeping an open mind. it’ll be interesting seeing him talk at the port eliot festival, sorry you can’t be there too! maybe next year!
Dear Mum-raa, ooooo, insight! do tell! Man, now I really want to come to the festival so we can listen, chat, breastfeed, camp AND gossip ;o) maybe next year,yes!
xox,Heather
Cut and paste.. hm… No no, I understand you’d never suggest such a thing… Guerrilla cartooning… like guerrilla gardening, only planting cartoons. hmmm… Of course, first I’d have to pay for some cartoons.. OK, maybe not actually glue them to the book/magazine. Still, I’d first buy the cartoons. hmmm…
Hi Julie,
absolutely, I would NEVER recommend actually doing this ;o) Stay tuned, i’m working diligently to bring you guys some quick easy, cheap downloadable comics…in a couple of days!
xox,
Heather
Sweet!
I love “Redact” — I have this issue a lot. People say, “How can you recommend such and such a book when the author says this or that?” And I just don’t see the problem. Just because an idea appeals to me or the information is useful that does not mean I am endorsing EVERYTHING the author says or swallowing the philosophy whole!