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I’m so excited about this set of comics, I heard someone call this period ‘post-logical’ a while back, and it so fits the ‘parenting experts’ that keep spouting off about “independence” and “limits” and what not.
Here’s a little bit about how these things work at our house. When my middle child hit 7 she asked for a bunkbed for her birthday. She moved into the top, my eldest happily moved into the bottom, and except for a few nights of fevers or nightmares (perhaps 5 the whole year) they both have never looked back and we never mind if they do because our two queen beds are plenty big enough. I never once, as the Super Nanny suggests, had to stay up all night walking a toddler into a separate room and firmly telling them to “stay there” like the experts recommend. They got their own bed when it suited them. They are plenty independent.
As for limits, as I was learning how to parent, I and especially my husband, tried the technique ‘time in’ with our eldest. Removing her from the room for some kind of infraction and sitting with her in another room and ‘talking her to death’ (as I think about it in hindsight ;o) about why she was acting that way. It dawned on me the other day that I’ve never needed or wanted to do anything of the kind with my next two daughters. They are the way they are, and they behave exactly right for their age and development, thank you very much. I wonder is that because they are inherently ‘better’? Probably not. I think it has a lot more to do with me relaxing my expectations and taking a deep breath more often, and being able to empathize more. I always remember that ‘children are behaving as well as they can in any given situation’. Does the behavior suck? Probably the situation sucks more. Fix it. Don’t try and ‘fix’ your kids…
anyway, that’s a bit about me and my parenting…hope you enjoy the comics, more to come!
xox,
Heather
ps. this post is related to these comics: The Post-Logical Parenting Conference and The Post Logical Parenting Conference (2)!
I definitely agree. Parenting isn’t about controlling children.
Thanks for this. Am trying to grope my way through raising my first & only daughter. Poor eldests. They get all of the attention and all of their parents’ unbridled nerves!
Got a first and only child as well, and yes, we’ve done “time-ins”.. even “time outs” often turn into “time ins” because by the time you’re using those kind of manipulation techniques, the kid’s already roped you into a power struggle. (Oh and they drama they can drag out!!) The only one anyone can control is oneself. A parent who does not NEED to use punishment or reward is a parent who is in control. They are calm and going on with life, which in turn puts calm back into the child. It is when daddy and I panic over a behavior or are just too burned out from work and whatever else that our daughter gets in trouble. It is when we are not in control of ourselves that she has “behavior problems.”
I’ve heard that post-logical is used to describe a generation that sees everything as relative and believes that everyone has their own reality formed from their own set of experiences. This is a generation that sees Wikapedia as equal to university studies and professional journals. But if this is the case, then why does this generation even listen to experts at all? I wonder, did pre-logical generations listen to their guts when it came to parenting? How do we create a peaceful generation and what would they call that??
Amen.
I’ve had the same experience with my two older children, now 12 and almost 10. Eldest really wanted his own space, so for his 8th birthday, we set up what had been the office as a bedroom, with bed, bookshelves, “stuff” shelves, dressers and some open space. He *loved* it; went straight to sleeping in there with no problems. Then for his 12th birthday, we built him a loft and got a roll-top desk for underneath it. He loves it even more. Once in awhile he’ll still end up back with us, but mostly he’s there with no troubles.
When my older daughter turned 6, she was kind of jealous that my son had his own space. She decided she wanted her own too, so we turned the playroom into her room. Same kind of mix of stuff. She went into it with no trouble, either. Now the youngest, 4, wants to be in her sister’s room, so we’re looking at bunk beds (big sis wants her in there, too).
My experience has been babies who sleep through the night early; parents who sleep through the night always. Toddlers who will put themselves to bed, knowing that a parent or sibling will be along shortly.
I’ve missed months (per child) of waking up in the night to warm a bottle and loosing hours of sleep; crushing my heart and my sensitivity listening to my babies “cry it out”; getting harsh with toddlers trying to keep them in bed; waking to comfort kids with night terrors; whining over bedtimes from early elementary kids; having kids who could *only* sleep in their own beds, so had trouble traveling/staying overnight; and nightmares from all ages.
If people only realized they didn’t *have* to suffer or make their kids suffer through all of those things, and their kids would end up sleeping in their own beds just fine as they got older, why would they ever start down that path in the first place?
lol talking her to death. we did that with our oldest. poor kid.
i love the last thing you stated… they are acting the best they can in any given situation… if they are not doing well, check the environment. such wonderful advice.
heather in maine
“Does the behavior suck? Probably the situation sucks more. Fix it. Don’t try and ‘fix’ your kids.” That is GREAT! I’ve never seen gentle discipline described so well and so succintly!
Wow Heather… we may be parenting the same children! LOL It works that way at our house too. And I’ve become a much better parent since I’ve realized what is appropriate for a child’s age and development. We never did the separate beds or anything either until they were ready for them. Our kids are VERY independent,… from the 17yo who is sure of herself and knows who she is to the 2yo who thinks she can do anything.
I agree 100%, when I deal with my children, I always think, “How would want to be treated if this situation were happening to me?” When you can truly understand your child’s feelings and respect their right to have them, parenting becomes a whole lot easier. My goal is to teach my little people how to get along in our society, how to be productive and positive individuals and citizens, people I would want to be friends with when they are adults. I am not training little drones to follow my commands.
Hi there, I started reading your blog after it appeared in the nytimes. I couldn’t agree more with you about pretty much everything you write about. I have two daughters, 3 and 5. I wonder all the time how some women end up being logical parents and so many women end up with post logical parenting ideas. I have so many friends who grew up basically the same way I did and are total opposites of me as parents. Do you have thoughts on what makes us the parents we are?